ownership
how long do i have to think a thought in order for it to become mine?
i love picking apart my own character to answer questions from other people- it’s astonishing how many paragraphs a well-placed “huh???” or “wait really?” can inspire. and of course, in that moment i conceive it, it’s my thought. i am thinking about me, and it’s bound to be accurate at some level. but once i speak it out loud, does it really describe me anymore? or would it become a self-fulfilling prophecy that i live out, having boxed myself in with these words?
my most prevalent memory type is verbal, but when i recall something it’s always the emotions which surface before the words. i worry that by reaching the words first, i’m skipping a step there and i’ll never commit the realization to memory. when i dig up old conversations, i discover realizations that i birthed and discarded long ago.
that’s the very gripe i have with writing short stories as well; no matter what name I choose for the main character, I won’t remember it in the next writing session. i’ll come up with this beautiful reason why a character’s name should be ariel- knowing damn well that the second time i sit down, everything i ever wrote about ariel will no longer be true.
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quotes
i realized that spending time with friends isn't required, and spending time alone doesn't make me a dumb hermit - 09/08/2022 9:42 PM
i like to think i'm pragmatic but i'm realizing that no, i'm a hopeless romantic - 01/27/2022 2:49 AM
and on that day we realized andover is also dum, nearly as dum as public school if not worse - 01/11/2021 11:20 PM
from three different conversations with three different people, two of whom i barely ever talk to anymore. and i haven’t even started looking into the dumb shit i’ve sent to my closest friend. or my inner circle, really. and yes, all three of these conclusions continue to be relevant today: this is thrice the relevancy rate of the people that prompted the conclusions.
i remember exactly what i was feeling with each of these quotes, though obviously i didn’t even remember they existed until i dug them up. the first, i was trying to convince that i was healthy and had found balance in my life. the second is the only one i still talk to. i was still getting to know them, and it was late so I felt comfortable oversharing a little. the third, i wanted to appease and sympathize to (they are now my ex).
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I digress. for the sake of a conclusion, i contend that no thought will ever truly be mine. there is no way around the inherent loss in the “emotions → words” exchange, which is why we all strive to find people who understand us wordlessly. to fill a market inefficiency…